Monday, March 14, 2016

I AM A KOMODO DRAGON!

I have the cool, confident, almost smug air of a top predator. I do not fear anything, or anyone (except maybe a larger one of my own kind). I can take down a large buffalo single-handedly, and an unarmed human is no trouble at all. Ask the family of the poor Baron Rudolf von Reding Biberegg if you don't believe me. Don't let my casual lumbering gait fool you; I can move with lightning speed that has to be seen to be believed. If you foolishly allow me to approach within 2 meters, you are already dead. You might as well lie down and accept the inevitable. Spend that time doing something constructive, like praying for a better afterlife. From that distance I cannot fail. I will kick into overdrive, spinning all four legs like motorized windmills, and be upon you in a flash. Then I'll grab hold of your nearest extremity (usually a leg) and make as many quick bites as I can, sinking my sharp fangs deep into your flesh. But all it takes is one. Contrary to popular myth I do not harbor teeming masses of bacteria in my mouth. I know all your documentaries and textbooks say that, and they are WRONG. In truth, I have no more or less bacteria in my mouth than other animals. Instead, I inject *venom*, which does nasty things to you. First, you will notice what seemed like a survivable wound just won't stop bleeding. You will feel like you took an overdose of hypertension drugs as your blood pressure drops to dangerously low levels, causing you to go into shock. If you're lucky you will lapse into unconsciousness so that you won't see me rip huge chunks of flesh off your body.

I AM A KOMODO DRAGON!